Monday, 19 December 2016

My One-Night Encounter

It’s about three weeks ago today, didn’t feel like doing anything or going anywhere,so I indulged myself. I decided to rest. Not like I feel like doing anything on other days though but this one was different. I needed my me-time; it was a lie on the couch, press phone, put TV on without watching it kinda day. Just in the middle of this bliss, the ping came in, it was a reminder for a dinner. I had accepted the invite under pressure I must say, why drive across an 11km bridge and disturb my peace just so I can eat? Well, HR will put it differently… we were hosting the Leadership team! Bleh!

Reluctantly I got ready; of course I didn’t plan to be early. In fact if not for the reminder, I couldn’t be bothered but I had promised to keep a friend’s company at the event and as the keeper of my word “that I is” I had to go. Fast track, a few minutes past 7pm I was there and as I walked in into the lobby my friend was already chatting away with folks… Great! Maybe I should just sneak back out, and then I spotted a lady, a cute lady, sitting in the corner, sipping on some margarita, she appeared absent. I starred a bit, our eyes locked and then she looked away… she was beautiful, I couldn’t resist, I walked over. It was then my night started.

Hi, my name is… “I know you”, she cut in. Oh yea… but err, I work in… “Finance, I said I know”. She obviously didn’t want to be disturbed and in my usual can’t afford to be forward self I would have bounced but she had this come-do look with a gentle smile carefully lining her lips. Well, I’m sorry, I said, I don’t know you but eh that’s why we are here. “My name is Sunmisola, and I’d rather not be here”. I figured, that’s exactly why I came over so we can leave together, I really don’t need this food. With a sigh she muted, “if I knew where I’d rather be, then I’ll be happy to leave, but I don’t”. Huh? This was getting interesting! It was at this time we had to move to the dinning section, I led her to our table, there were two other folks on the table but honestly I can’t remember what they look like.

The first course was served and then I asked, “you really don’t look good. What’s the problem?” She gave me the side look, that type that meant you don’t really want to know and then she blanked out… I was confused, a little worried I had upset her and then as if talking to herself, barely moving her lips she began to talk…

I love your cheeks, they are my favorite toy
I love your beards, the roughness soothes me
I love your gentle, it warms my heart
I love your thoughtfulness, it brings me smiles

It’s so much easier loving you, I expend too much energy ensuring I don’t
Avoiding your eyes drains me, I’d rather drown in them
I’m so much happier loving you, that’s all I worry about when I don’t
It’s so much better when we talk, better than reading the hatred off your sealed lips
It so much easier to pray for you, either ways, I'll pray

But hey, I’m exhausted from looking for you
Done searching for your soul like a pin on the sea shore
I’ll move with the tides of Him, of Him who knows what’s best for me
With hopes that we find our end, ends so close yet miles apart…

“Sunmisola, this is Seun”, I cut in. I had to. God forbid that these words were directed at me. She was totally oblivious of her surrounding, she looked pale. Like a woman who’s lost her child she just didn’t know how to enjoy anything, not this food, not the jokes being cracked all around us, not the soft music being played in the background. She was completely lost in her pain. I didn’t know what to say but at least she stopped talking. It was then I realized she was holding my hand, I must have been carried away myself, she held on so tight I was almost in pain. I moved my thumb gently, rubbing the side of her palm as if to make her feel better, she stared into my eyes, but I was sure she wasn’t looking at me. The harder she stared the farther she seemed to have traveled and then she continued…

I wish I can tell you that I love you, but I can’t
I want to tell you that I miss talking to you, but I dare not
I want to tell you that I wish you happiness, but I’ll pray
I can’t because I know, there’s only one end to it. That end is my ruin

God forbid that I tell you what to do
God forbid that I tell you what not to do
You love One Direction so I’ve decided not to get in your way;
Cruise on to Asia, go ahead and have ya cake
But Michael Smith meant Jesus, when he said it’s all about You

I’m not worried that you won’t find another, naaah!
Not a little bothered that you won’t find love, of course you would!
But something worries me, and I must admit I shiver at the thought of it
That when you do find love again (or maybe you already have) you’d know what to do with it

At this point she dropped a tear, picked her things and walked briskly towards the exit. Without thinking, I followed her. Not like I understood all her rantings but by now tears was flowing down her cheeks freely. Her driver was waiting just outside, she rushed in. I looked at him with worry in my eyes, but he appeared used to it, he gave me a look that spelt it all out… “It’s normal for madam to cry, we are praying she’ll get well soon” and as the wheels began to roll she gave me one last glance that assured me, we’ll see again soon.

I walked back into the hall, I had lost my appetite. It was a short encounter, but it left me heartbroken. Only God knows what she’s going through, I pray she comes out better. I’ll give her some time before reaching out I thought to myself, or maybe not… Maybe now is the time, she needs help, and I can be the help she needs, a shoulder to cry on.

At this time, everything about the dinner and event made no sense to me. I picked my car key and headed out as I continued to think... maybe I need help too, maybe mummy’s prayers might finally get an answer, maybe, just maybe, I stepped into the car and with some conviction I said to myself, I didn’t come here for nothing, there has to be more to all this.

Tuesday, 30 August 2016

This Pain We Bear

It was a cold Sunday afternoon, the ideal weather to lazy away. Lying on the couch under my duvet watching AFMAG, yea, Africa Magic :) and there in the movie was this lady that had a rough past which made her hate men (and women too). In fact, she hated almost everyone that crossed her path. Then, we got talking… “There’s so much pain in the world” I said, “actually a whole lot!” my friend agreed. With a sigh, I began to reflect…

There’s actually a lot of pain in the world
Heavier in some than in others
But "these mountains we carry;
we were only supposed to climb”

When you meet people with so much hate in them
Whenever the constant reactions you get have no bearing with your actions
Defying every bit of Newton’s 3rd law of motion
Just pause to think, it may be from their wealth of pain

Some wear it on their face, others have a camouflage
Putting up a front, so busy “loving” others
But beneath that is a load of pain
Tearing up inside, if only we’d notice

Bring down these walls, let love heal you
Bitterness has become a jacket, once got one for myself
Was hard getting into it, harder getting out of it
It was an inch or two too tight, guess it just didn’t fit

As we walk this path called life
There’ll be people on our way that need a helping hand
Regardless of how it went the last time, never stop doing good
Be kind, be the best you can, but don’t let that drown you

A helping hand it’s called
Unless it’s your calling to lay your life
Be careful how deep in the rescue you go
Lest you both get drowned in this mud called life

Thinking about it again… getting drowned together isn’t totally bad as long as you are not making a fool of yourself in the process.

Tuesday, 19 April 2016

Are You Jesus?

Ever since mumsy got on WhatsApp I've gotten all sorts of messages from her. From "Hi this is mum" to "Hello, Okanlawon, how is work today?", and of course the many many broadcasts and funny videos, I wonder where she gets them from... Anyways, to the point, she sha sent me this one and I think it's interesting even if, like me, you get the feeling you must have seen it somewhere before.

I think it's a good read for anyone regardless of your beliefs but if you are one of the millions that if given an official form to state your religion you'd tick "Christianity"... this is for you. So please, grab your coke & popcorn... just a few seconds will do :)

"This write up touched my heart. I am sure it will touch yours too.

A few years ago a group of salesmen went to a regional sales convention in Chicago. They had assured their wives that they would be home in plenty of time for Friday night's dinner. In their rush, with tickets and briefcases, one of these salesmen inadvertently kicked over a table which held a display of apples. Apples flew everywhere. Without stopping or looking back, they all managed to reach the plane in time for their nearly-missed boarding...

ALL BUT ONE!!! He paused, took a deep breath, got in touch with his feelings and experienced a twinge of compassion for the girl whose apple stand had been overturned. He told his buddies to go on without him, waved good-bye, told one of them to call his wife when they arrived at their home destination and explain his taking a later flight. Then he returned to the terminal where the apples were all over the terminal floor. He was glad he did.

The 16-year-old girl was totally blind! She was softly crying, tears running down her cheeks in frustration, and at the same time helplessly groping for her spilled produce as the crowd swirled about her; no one stopping and no one to care for her plight. The salesman knelt on the floor with her, gathered up the apples, put them back on the table and helped organize her display. As he did this, he noticed that many of them had become battered and bruised; these he set aside in another basket. When he had finished, he pulled out his wallet and said to the girl, "Here, please take this $40 for the damage we did. Are you okay? "She nodded through her tears. He continued on with, "I hope we didn't spoil your day too badly."

As the salesman started to walk away, the bewildered blind girl called out to him, "Mister..." He paused and turned to look back into those blind eyes. She continued, "Are you Jesus?" He stopped mid-stride.... and he wondered. He gently went back and said, "No, I am nothing like Jesus - He is good, kind, caring, loving, and would never have bumped into your display in the first place. "The girl gently nodded: "I only asked because I prayed for Jesus to help me gather the apples. He sent you to help me, so you are like Him - only He knows who will do His will. Thank you for hearing His call, Mister."

Then slowly he made his way to catch the later flight with that question burning and bouncing about in his soul: "Are you Jesus?"

Do people mistake you for Jesus?

That's our destiny, is it not? To be so much like Jesus that people cannot tell the difference as we live and interact with a world that is blind to His love, life and grace. If we claim to know Him, we should live, walk and act as He would. Knowing Him is more than simply quoting scripture and going to church. It's actually living the Word as life unfolds day to day.
You are the apple of His eye even though you, too, have been bruised by a fall. He stopped what He was doing and picked up you and me on a hill called Calvary and paid in full for our damaged fruit.

Please share this, if you feel led to do so. No condition attached just that it could bless someone. Thanks"

LORD help us to be like you. Amen.

Wednesday, 30 March 2016

Away from Here

Don’t ask why I have my ears plugged
I’d rather not be here, rather not see or talk with you
Don’t ask if I’m fine either
We both know you don’t care, and trust me, that’s absolutely fine

As a child, I spent my siesta in tears, happy tears
I’d imagine the worst and cry but yet I was happy
Now it’s all happening.  I have been here before!
But still, for the enormity of my sorrows, I am unprepared

Like every pain, I say, soon it shall pass
When I take a step into happiness my planet shifts
Who have I wronged, why is my universe upset?
I need another life; this bag of tears soon shall fail

I’d wish the pain disappears
I’d hope I don’t get stabbed by the hand I loved
I’d hope my mind will stay in the present
But I quit hoping... I know it’s all a dream

Whatever the end is… The end of pain or of dust
It will come, and quickly too
For then will peace come and the vanity called life shall be over
And as with my childhood, I’ll find the joy in my sorrow.

From a troubled mind.

Friday, 18 March 2016

From the Heart You once Loved

Rantings of a one time love induced maniac. She's well now though :) I could share your story too if you want ;) PS: Not her Picture!

Exactly a decade and a year ago, at precisely 4:03 PM, while I was busy with my life as usual came this message from the blues "Hi, I have many questions"... Like, was I a teacher? Why must I be asked? Those questions could be directed to another, right? But well... curiosity won the battle... Ask your questions... Ask them "small small" I said. Unknown to me, the questions were more than I could answer, more than I could ever handle. Looking back at my decision that day, I still ask myself... should I have curved him? Should I have entertained those questions... Oh well, I smile and say to myself... It was part of my journey.

It took a week, only a week, for the handshake to get to the elbow and then it was clear, it was a nice pick up line. Thinking now about how things were, even if he hadn't tried, I guess I would have, against the "norm" that ladies shouldn't ask, I certainly would have tried. For it is and was clear, our paths must cross, for a reason or reasons, they had to cross.

It still makes me smile when I remember how beautifully it all began. That feeling you have when you discover that the stalked is also your stalker, when you finally believe you can be yourself without being judged, when it feels like he loves you as much as you love him and there's gonna be an award for the best lover but it didn't matter who won because you both were one? LOL! All that silly gay sh*t kinda love was just too awesome... I can't help the smile now. It was a match made in heaven at last! To be honest, I secretly thanked God every moment for apparently giving me a man of my dreams, I was really happy!

But sadly, it was a dream. A dream I had to wake up from. Too soon even.... Cos even though it lasted a few years, it was nothing close to forever, that was our plan, or maybe that was what I thought. Like a wind of bad luck, what was once so beautiful became covered with darkness. We'd complain and nag, we'd argue and fight, it became more sorrow than joy, greater sadness than happiness. Oh! my pretty little happiness, the reason I existed soon became history, the history I write about today.

For years I wept, and I learnt you did the same. Aren't we both morons? [I just heard you say, ori e, iwo ni moron]. Lol. Like couldn't it just have worked... But nah the script is different... Maybe we both deserve better! Or it was merely another bump in our lives' journey, in the end we'll enjoy the fruits of the landFinally we've had to dust ourselves up and live life. I heard her name is Toyin, chuckles, extend my regards.

If there's anything I learnt and I'd share with the world, it is that our fantasy love life exists somewhere on this planet... only a few are lucky enough to find theirs. I found mine, I am finding mine... I found mine... and it's going to last forever. Besides that, I'd say... what you give is what you get... sow love, sow understanding, give your best, misery will ruin you "and yours" and finally perfection is in the grave :)

I have had to return to my friends. Some of whom mocked the love we shared, some now laugh cos it's all come to nothing but I smile because I know that if another "Hi, I have many questions" pops up on my phone today, my response would most likely remain as it was a decade and a year ago "ask them, small small".

Happy "would have been a decade" Anniversary! I still love you, but sadly our "love" was not enough :)

"If you can find a path with no obstacles, it probably doesn't lead anywhere".

Thursday, 14 January 2016

My Sweet 16 is 60

Ok, finally... I'm getting to this. It's been several weeks now, more like two or three months even that I should have written this piece but as usual, the laziness in me has prevailed till now that I can push it no further.

Unfortunately, this time, it was worse than just my laziness, times have been hard. lol. Imagine having to smile and act like all is well, when all you're really at is tearing up inside. Well, I put myself through all that and there isn't much I can write about that now...

To why am here. My baby is gon' be 60 in a few days from now... and the first thing that comes to my mind is how much of a pain in her ass I've actually been and how well her love towards me doesn't make the pain count. Not like I was the most stubborn child growing up but literally, at least according to her, I was 5kg at birth and that caused considerable tear, so pain in her a** is actually putting it mildly. I'd write her a poem, but not today... someday, most def, I will… Today’s just to reminisce a little on how much of a bae she’s been.

Thinking back, mum's being a whole lot to me... Wait a minute! Dad just sent me a Facebook request? WTH!!! Naaaah mehn, this isn't happening! =)) Anyways, what was I even saying? Yeah... mum's been a whole lot to me and there’s almost no better time to reflect on some of those things that make her special.

Despite the fact that daddy was the first Pastor in the house, mum has always been our domestic pastor. I remember her very long prayer sessions, especially the ones we had just after fasting... Apologies mum, it was hard looking forward to them, and on this one, I speak for the sisters too... lol. But yeah, she's someone I look up to spiritually. The fruits of the spirit personified... I pray God continues to strengthen and perfect her. She remains the only one in our house who finds talking about certain things awkward (and me too, don't beef! lol)... those kinda chats that give popsy and at least two of the sisters so much energy! Smh.

My baby is gentle. I think without any argument she's the least stubborn of us all. Note, least stubborn... not most gentle! cos that agídí-ìjèshà thing runs in the family, I believe. More in some than others though (not like am subbing anyone :p). Growing up, her biggest punishment was "I will tell your daddy" (popsy was the then title holding Mr. Macho) and all you needed to do most times was beg her. Beg from a distance where àbàrá will not touch you!

She's the perfect example of sacrifice; she'll give off her anything for you. The type that will abandon her illness just so she can visit another ill fellow, like her own life was less important! There's just one thing I recall now that she isn't glad to share - her husband. Once she was saying with so much pity how she needed to start eating well (and taking her meds when necessary too) cos daddy said he wasn't promising not to marry another if she dies. Sounds harsh yeah? Trust me, she really needed that sometimes... at least, threat or not, it worked. Not sure that threat will work anymore though, they are both all greyed-up now.

She may be retiring but she's my teacher for life. Like her co-teachers (and someone I used to know) would call her, Mama Ajayi. Mama Ajayi is diligent. I know how many hours she'd put into marking scripts, preparing score sheets and report cards and how bad she felt for one tiny little error, despite the seemly permissible mediocre output we find in public service these days. I can say with confidence, her kind is a dying breed.

I honestly can't recall her spanking me for not getting my homework right or anything like that but there's something I'll always remember and that's how much she supported my going to JSS1 after primary five even after dad brought a counselor home to attempt to convince me otherwise cos his boy was still too young (yímú). I recall that night, after listening to the whole sermon by the counselor, like the true omo ìjèshà that I am, I heard it all but did not agree (as me and mumsy don plan) and thank God, I didn't disappoint her. When we went to check the list of qualified candidates, abi na pupils, after searching in the wrong list for about 10 mins (I already sensed her disappointment) we suddenly realized we were checking the reserve list and immediately I heaved a sigh of relief cos then I was all too sure I passed. I can't not pass and not be on reserve, kò possible!
She didn't stop there. When I was in the university, at the time paale will say "my son is already a big boy", she put in the word that got my weekly allowance raised. I'll save y'all the stress of laughing; I won’t put a figure to the whole allowance itself.

And Oh! Mum is a workaholic. This can never be complete without her famous invention. "Kí a tia se yèé?" An expression she used after a day of tiring chaos with the sisters, and just when they thought it was over, she spotted one last thing to be done... "e máa bò, e máa bò, kí a tia se yèé?" (a combination of pure Yoruba and ìjèshà that means come, come, what do we do about this??) I'll leave the response they gave her to your imagination.

Before I go, this is another opportunity I have to appeal to her to agree to marry daddy o. Hmmm... Mummy, it should be about thirty-something years now, about thirty eight if am not making a mistake that he asked to marry you... Just so we are sure, I think it's high time you opened your mouth and said YES! Trust me it won't hurt (and fyi, maybe that's why I haven't asked anyone yet cos me I must hear the answer o)... shy shy something... abi, even if it was about being skeptical, after thirty four years, by now, you should have believed! Now, I just looked for trouble... I know!

Finally, to the point of all this… Happy Birthday to my wonderful momma, thanks for always being there and may God continue to keep you for us all in good health and happiness and may He grant all your heart desires (I know one of them) in Jesus name.

I love you mum!

Wednesday, 30 December 2015

She loves for real [The End]

"I know we can never be together again but I still cry every time." Those were her last words to him, words she said amidst tears, words she muttered with a heavy heart.

There comes a time when I must move on, embrace my pain and move on.

There's a thin line between love and hate, and so I must stop. Before love turns to hate, I'll move on.

I want to hold on to the good memories, that's why I'll stop now, cos all you now do is ruin the beautiful memories I've got.

I can't force you to love me, neither can I make you change your definition of love for my sake. You will change it, oh yes you will, when you find the Queen you heart desires.

It's sad that I poured out my heart in vain, but like a dog destined to be lost, you paid no attention to the pain in  my tears.

My duty was to submit and submit I did, yours was to love but that you kept away, awaiting the one your heart yearns for.

If only you had told me, If only I knew from the start... It was never fair play. You knew the results but you kept it away from me. 

Now we must go our separate ways, I'll leave for a place far away, far enough to help me forget, or maybe you'll leave, leave to pursue your burning passion.

Either ways, we will be apart, maybe then I'll find my life back, maybe then there'll be new meaning to my existence.

Till then, continue to look stunning, I'll be proud you once called me your own. Let your suits always remain radiant, let the girls all wiggle around you.

For me, I'll pray, pray that your joy you may find, and that you don't with your own hand throw away the happiness you so earnestly desire.

And when we see again, I pray I'll have my braids on and then you'll know that my Crown again I've found.

Till then and beyond, I'll always love you. Good bye.

PS - This three part series is based on a true life story... From her to you.

Tuesday, 15 December 2015

She loves for real [Part 2]

It's hard to smile when all you really do is cry
Harder to stay strong when I'm all broken inside.

Yesterday you called it quits, today we were in court
It's been 11 weeks since I wrote, 11 weeks of hopes all gone.

While you were in the stands I heard it all
I've been all by myself for a long time now.

Who shall help me beg my crown now
Too late to cry over spilt milk they all said.

Reason said to me, how long will you cry?
Sister let him go! You shall find another.

Heart said to me, what else can a maid do?
Cry all you want, your tears may wash off the pain.

Now my strength is gone, all I've done is cry.
All my will is used, heaven I need a hug.

Thinking about us and what we could have been
Don't wake me, this can't all be a dream

I'm sorry for all the wrong I've done
I'm sorry for all the wrong you did.

I'm sorry I wasn't easy to love
I'm sorry you made loving impossible.

I'm sorry you want out
I'm sorry. The blame's all mine.

I've lost something hard to replace
My love is all gone to waste

Is there any for me, among the sons of Adam
Shall I find another, except my hard luck Cain

I am now a stranger to my own self
The pain has made my skin an estranged garment.

My paradise is before my eyes gone
My hair shall remain unkempt till joy again I find.

Friday, 11 December 2015

Path to Failure... [The End]

It's almost a week ago now, I should have been in Ghana for the test, I should have played, slept or maybe worked hard in the hall for 6 hours, I should have had my first taste of Ghanaian party (maybe), I should have brought back some gist for you as promised, and now I'd be hoping to pass or be very certain I'd failed, but those are now should haves and could haves cos here in Lagos I was (and happily too, at least on the test day).

Very sad, I chickened out, lol... but it wasn't because of the fear of the outcome.No! It wasn't because I couldn't have managed to fly on Friday after work. No! It wasn't because I wanted to party with family on Saturday. No! It was because just after I thought I had found my chakra, I lost it. Thursday, 3rd December would qualify as the gloomiest day of my life... at least in a long while... but that was when I decided the test was the least of my worries. I had a lot to let out, and let out I did.

I didn't take the day off, but I practically spent it by myself, letting out as much as I could... as much as I needed to. In the end was I relieved? May be not, but it was all I could do [no need to dwell on this, it doesn't matter now, not anymore, it's in the past... forward]

Friday was the first time in a while I wanted to be up all night, and the goon was available, I only needed to put a call through. Eventually "we" started out at Ntyce and ended up at Rumours, you don't want the details of all that took place in between but it was a perfect night to forget the week. As we no do exam, we go sha fit party!

Saturday was the baby's sister's birthday plus 34th Anniversary of my old folks, so it was family time. Family time that I would have been robbed of by the yeye test in Accra... So, after recovering from Friday night's moves, I took the two hour trip to the villa in Lagos... joined in the fun, made the folks happy (cos trust me, seeing me in Igando is not a usual occurrence) and that's how the day went. Sigh.

So yea... the path to failure never happened, or at least we never made it to that destination. Sorry I couldn't tell you how the test went as promised, but I will certainly tell you how it goes in the future, come June, maybe and then it would no longer be the path to failure (I hope) but a gist on how easy it went. Till then!

Friday, 4 December 2015

She loves for real

"When a woman loves
She, she loves for real

She loves for real (oh)
When a woman loves, loves, loves
I’m telling you when she loves
She, she loves for real"

Even my hands fail me. My memory has become blurry
My sweet poison's gone. If only I'll die by the hand of another

I loved your frame. Your stature made me blush
Your wit was my joy. But it all went wrong

You were my life. You were my all
I was the envy of all maidens. My treasure was all yours

I feared this day. When it'd all be lost
I held on to my priceless piece. Until you came my way

I loved like a mother, I loved as a maid. I cooked your meals, even your bed I made
But these were not enough. It was all about you

I built heaps on your farm. We sported game together
Yet I owe you nothing. Save that wrapper and a little oil

The market women saw my tear. They taught I lost my merchandise
The feared I lost a child. But what I lost was life itself

How could you not notice my pain? How did you not see my tear
I wept like a new born. Sleep has forever departed me

In the nine years that I've known you. Tell me once that my wish came through
Tell me once that you put me first. It was all you or nothing

For 24 days I've cried. I wail cos my treasure's gone
He's taken in another. Without a thought for what I feel

If only you'd love like a woman. Pride wouldn't get in our way.
But no, like the rest of your clan. Your ego beclouds your judgement.

But what shall I do. I'd paint my nails? No!
I'll play with the maids, maybe. But my sorrow like the bottomless pit hollows.

My crown, my king. I pray that you stop, stop and think.
For my heart is heavy, I drown by your hand.

Will this be my end? Will I ever adorn my hair again?
My hair shall not be plait in protest, till my crown again I find.

Wednesday, 2 December 2015

Path to Failure... [Part 2]

So it's barely 2 days to the D day and a lot has happened :)

Finally got the bosses approval, the only ish is it's dependent on the completion, or at least significant advancement, of the month end close process. Current deal is I'll fly on Friday evening... as a badt guy, I'll be landing just in time for the test.

In the process, though, I had to explain how I got myself into this mess on that sad August A lil bit of some heart to heart with the boss, weird stuff... Anyways, we sha agreed.

Interestingly too, my Texas Instrument got delivered yesterday. Yet to figure out the machine but really I won't be needing more that the plus and minus sign, or at most, the power function. All that PV, FV, NPV, IRR crap... I'll figure out before June.

And yes! We were to make some progress on the hours, I think have gotten that up to about 13 to 14 in total... skimmed about 60% of the highly condensed FinQuiz materials. This week was meant to be the killer week but then with office work in the way, I guessed that was an overly ambitious target... but yea... there's still tomorrow and Friday. Shouldn't I be studying now? Naaah... the brain's fatigued, there's just no point.

Unfortunately, I lost my chakra... What felt like the beginning of a new era is apparently only a mirage. In my next life, I'd be a Father. Put your emotions to caring & praying for the masses and less privileged, trust me, it's a much better use. Everyone has their better idea of what's good for them... hmmmm... talk for another day....

It's almost 30 mins before Thursday, time to pack & fly home, shouldn't be back here till after we are done failing... I'll come with gist of how we spent the 36 hours in Ghana, the real deal should be after the test (=D). Till then.. ciao.

PS: The goal is to have enough idea to keep busy for 6 hours, will this be achieved? In a few hours I'll know.

Thursday, 26 November 2015

#WCE - I miss you

I know you don't like this picture cos your hair looks crazy in it, pele, I like it.

I miss your big, no small, no normal head, I miss you.

Don't worry, next time, I'll use a better picture. A picture that shows less cheek bone and well painted nails, I miss you.

I miss your forehead and I miss your cheeks. I miss you.

Who's been touching them cheeks? Who's been poking your face? I miss you.

I miss your teeth and yay! I miss your smile, I miss you.

Did the grapes cause you smile? Or maybe that peanut butter wafers... "It takes more".

I hope you've been smiling a lot, I see you are stronger than I, I miss you.

"Someday, the pain will not exist; the joy will refuse to leave", I miss you

I see the light at the end of the tunnel, I hope we'll be happy again, I miss you.

There's so much light in your smile, I hope we'll be happy for life, I love you.

It's 3 a.m. in the morning and I hope you'll wake up to this, I miss you.

Path to Failure... [Part 1]

Exactly one week after I wrote that incomplete if only thing... I got myself trapped with this exam. It seemed like a perfect escape route... Now, looking back, I wish I didn't have the cash in bank to waste at the time... The money is some plenny sturvs mehn, I swear... it is paining me. I think I simply forgot that registering for an exam was only the first step, you also had to prepare for it and you need a stable mind to do so ...wharefa! I sha registered.

What has happened between August 20 and today? In fact, I’m not sure… but I sha know I've done a lot of “metastudying”, reading about reading. I’ve done this well enough to know that I’m so failing this :) Some popular themes from these studies have shown the following:
  • That you need about 300 hours of studying, and that doesn’t guarantee a pass
  • That thinking you will fail makes you fail
  • That there’s no shortcut…lol

So with 8 days to go, 4 of which would be spent on intense month end close work and some hours on another yeye coded official project, I can only laugh at myself…

Not like I haven’t read at all, there are 10 topic areas with different weights. I have spent at least 4 hours trying to make some sense of derivatives (5%) and about an hour on FRA (20%), so at least, that’s something, only that it’s a lot of nothing compared to the something I should have done by now :(

The honest truth though is that I had given up on taking the exam. It makes sense to limit the loss to exam fee, why incur flight & hotel costs in addition? Kudos to Comic Bishop, my Chief Encouager, he told me everything I would have told someone else in the same position “sha goan write it… you have already paid… and you may pass o!” That reminds me, I sent money to Jolo to help get the calculator for the rubbish exam… hmmm… I never see am o, and I hear learning to use the calculator na exam on hin own… tuffia!

But there’s good news! The good news is that within the last 48 hours, it’s looking like Bae is back, hmmm long story or no story at all sef… Bae’s sha back and head may be able to settle… By extension, we may be back in this exam business… the next 3 days (Friday to Sunday) will help me decide if it’s worth it going in for the 6-hour ordeal or just bone altogether.

Don’t get me wrong, this isn’t about passing or failing, the title stands! However, you don’t want to be tormenting yourself cluelessly for 6 hours. Let it be that there is some idea to mess around with so I can at least enjoy the last stretch of this painful path, the path to failure.

PS: At the end of the day, it's only an exam!

Monday, 23 November 2015

Somebody That I Used To Know

It's another gloomy night, stuck on this Island, literally, I'm forced to reflect on my life (lol), on the things I've been through these past months, or more accurately, the things I've put myself through... a lot of things I learnt, or rather got reminded of. So many are they that I can't attempt to put them down, especially that some remain yet in their embryonic form, still I'll write... as if it makes a difference, I write.

That "Somebody That I Used To Know" by Gotye feat. Kimbra has become one of my best songs (lol). I know neither Gotye nor Kimbra or any of their other songs.

That 2015 has by far been my worst year in a long time, at least on two main fronts, but has apparently been my best year yet :) So I'm thankful.

That most (but not all) people are actually what I've always known people to be, self centered, wicked, vengeful and more and that I can easily become the same.

That there's strength in diversity, but there's also war in differences.

That being similar with another in many respects is great harm as much as it can do a lot of good.

That you are weakest in the areas you think you are strongest, you just need a tiny loophole or grant access to your poison.

That to think you are smart can become a mild form of pride, but to think you are wiser than you really are is the greatest folly.

That I have grown a lot over the years but I still am the same me that I've always known. The ME that only a very few have some idea of :). And that this isn't necessarily a good or a bad thing.

That I've been through a lot in my little life but that there's always been a way out, and there'll always be.

That giving does not mean receiving.

That I cannot blame anyone for what I allowed in my own life.

That I'd remember this someday and smile... smile for good.

That I'll not be getting married anytime soon, or at least, so it seems.

That it's 2130HRS, and I must shutdown.... and be back again soon.

PS: Apologies if this is incoherent or if you don't understand something I've written, trust me, I don't either.

Sunday, 22 November 2015

If Only... [Incomplete]

I sit here by myself wondering if  I should post this or not... No, actually, I'm done wondering. I'll post it.

It's nothing serious though, just an incomplete thought in the middle of some emotion... the type you shouldn't feel too often in this short life or the life will become even shorter.

What follows is the interrupted output of a then troubled mind... It was August 13, 2015, a day I stayed off work... probably lying back against the rug, these thoughts rushed through mind...

Yes, it wasn't complete... I had plans to return to this but it never happened, at least until now. Will I ever complete it? I don't think so, probably for the same reason it remained this way for 3 months. That reason? It's called HOPE. Here goes...

If Only...

If only we could go back in time
If only these chapters weren't written

If only we had friends
If only they told us the truth

If only hate wasn't such a bad word
If only it isn't the only word right now

If only we can be friends
If only our friendship wasn't poison

If only we didn't hate our smile
If only our peace didn't bring us pain

If only it wasn't all our fault
If only we didn't do no wrong

If only we wanted real
If only we saw perfection in flaws

If only we weren't totally ignorant
If only we weren't always smart

... ... ...

If only we are not at the end of the road
If only we won't say goodbye

But it is all of this and more
and we have to say goodbye!

Saturday, 12 May 2012

RIP Prof. AB Sofoluwe

I hate the way I feel this morning. L The reason or reasons are not farfetched.
First I wake up trying to decide if I can make Kole’s wedding. I definitely will make it, even if it has to be by my perfect timing just when they are starting to take pictures! And disappear immediately after the couples triumphant entry into the reception. But this is slightly different, he wants me to be a grooms man cos someone didn’t show up… less than 24 hours notice, suit pant with the tailor, hair unkempt… to make matters worse I’d been nominated to carry out some tasks at work, though I thought that won’t take 30mins (8am – 8:30am, Kola needs me for 9am, so as the superman, I can squeeze it *mscheeeeeew*)
Now am in the office, the supposed 30mins activity is gon’ take hours, so Kola, am sorry, guess it’s just gon’ be my perfect timing at your wedding. Thank goodness, I didn’t give my word! K
I wish all this is the real reason for my mood but no, almost everyone on my BBM list is mourning or appears to be mourning the loss of Prof. Sofoluwe’s. Shoffy is dead!!! How can? Why him? Why now? Sometime yesterday, someone put on facebook that Shoffy was at the hospital. Did I say a prayer? Honestly can’t tell… I probably just thought it was one of those things, he’ll bounce back, but will he? Never! Not in this life time, maybe in another… am moved to tears. I loved this man!
Yeah, that’s what we all do… “…they wait till you are dead and say you are the best...” but that’s not entirely true here. We’ve always known you are the best, and yes, we say it. I say it. Twice or thrice my course lecturer, my project supervisor… I knew this man. He was different. How many students can boast of being offered lunch during project discussions? Yea, it’s just food but those takeaways from his fridge were more than useful.
It wasn’t just the assurance of an A grade whenever I registered for his course, it was more of the simplicity with which he took them. No surprises (except that his tests where always without warnings) but from day 1 you know what the course was about and what your exam was gon’ be like. Call me lazy... na u sabi! How much of numerical analysis can I recall as I write this? :]y But I still remember those life lessons. Tope and I still joke about how he said you should never really argue with your wife, just prostrate and say sorry. Am not married now, but from my lil experience with girls, that works!
Not only the living will miss you Shoffy! Your white volks will too. I remember that night I was walking to the faculty, Shoffy was heading there too, stopped by me to drop me off and we spent almost a minute struggling to open the door by the passenger sit. Same thing happened when I was alighting, definitely not an HSE compliant car J but BABA kept using it, am sure they shared something together. Who knows whether that volks is still alive?
Right now, I don’t even know the details of your death… BB battery’s dead and in my rush to leave the house, I forgot the charger, I would have been updated… but whatever the cause is you are gone :’(. Something makes all this even more saddening for me – the last time I saw you. Was it before or after my convocation? Yea, it was weeks or maybe months after, we were at your office, and you stressed your desire among other things that I apply as a lecturer, we laughed over that. And then you said you were not interested in any gifts from me until I was “made” J All that was ~4 years ago, I’m not made yet, but am sure you’d have been happy to see me before you left. I kept procrastinating! I kept procrastinating!!! And that day never came. How many times have we lost someone and felt there’s something more we could have done? :’( :’( :’(
That reminds me, popsy’s ill, who knows? Am not that pessimistic, but I must see the man this weekend, why not today, no, the wedding, tomorrow’s fine! (the voice of the “thief of time” – procrastination!). Work is important, it pays the bills, but there is more to life than keeping “busy”.
While I wrote this, the tasks are done – multitasking it’s called, and then the wedding, It should be just about my perfect timing…. Off I go! Do I feel any better? :]y I doubt! This is not my eulogy, you deserve a lot better, I only needed to whine a lil… I’ll miss u. We’ll miss you. I pray God grants all your loved ones the fortitude to bear this great loss. RIP SHOFFY BABA!!!